Eris

FYI

2008-02-11T19:15:08Z

Hello thar.

So. Some information, in case you ARE curious.
This is a 100% fanfic journal. Practically solely dealing with DBSK, especially jaemin ♥
Friending policy: you don't have to comment or anything, just add me and I'll add you back :) But nothing's ever going to be locked, so you don't have to.
But a warning: I'm a really bad commenter, so I apologize ahead of time if I never comment on anything x__x

FIC LIST
chaptered
Fall in love whenever you can (jaemin, jaeho, yoosu)
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 interlude: I II III 11

series
Anyband!au (minsu, past!yoosu)
changmin - junsu - yoochun - jaejoong - yunho

one-shots
Humanity (jaemin, jaeho)
Salvation (jaemin, yoomin)
Leave the world behind (jaemin)

Fic: Leave the world behind

2008-02-11T18:08:57Z

Title: Leave the world behind
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin

The age old question for couples: how did you meet?

This is the first in a series of four, but they can be taken as one-shots :) Based on the fact that Valentine's Day is coming up, and I figured I'd try and write something about love. And jaemin. ♥

It’s raining— practically pouring— outside, and Jaejoong ducks into a nearby coffee shop for shelter. He finds a booth in the corner, slouching low and scowling as darkly as he can to ward off any perky staff members. Nevertheless, one of them makes his way over and asks, “Can I get you anything?”

Jaejoong grudgingly looks up, taking in the waiter’s appearance. He’s about his age, with dark hair and an overly bright smile. He feels his scowl deepen as he says coolly, “I haven’t got any money.”

But the boy’s smile doesn’t falter. “It’ll be on the house,” he says cheerfully, pen poised over his notepad. Jaejoong eyes him warily, opening his mouth to ask why he would do something like that, when he comments absentmindedly, “It’s our policy to kick out anyone who hasn’t ordered anything, and—” he looks discreetly out the window— “I don’t know if you’d want to be out there.” He turns away, flashing another crooked grin. “I’ll be back in a bit to take your order.”

*

The college professor is droning on and on about economics or something, and half the class is either not paying attention or doing something else. Jaejoong himself is close to falling asleep and reasons with himself that it’s okay if he takes a little nap; he’ll just copy his friend’s notes later. Junsu is sitting next to him, diligently recording every word their teacher says. It makes Jaejoong’s head hurt to look at him, so he turns to scan the rest of the students in the opposite side of the room. His gaze falls on a surprisingly familiar head and he frowns, trying to remember where he’s seen it before.

It finally clicks— rain, the coffee shop— and he nudges Junsu, who looks annoyed at the interruption.

“Hey,” he says, voice low, “who’s that kid down there?”

Junsu looks to where he’s pointing and seems surprised. “Him? That’s Shim Changmin. You’ve never heard of him? Apparently he’s some kind of genius, he’s skipped a couple grades and all the professors adore him. Why?”

Jaejoong doesn’t answer, and Junsu shrugs and returns to his notes.

Shim Changmin, he thinks to himself. Shim Changmin.

*

It’s way too early in the morning for Jaejoong to be awake, much less walking around outside in the freezing cold. He’s only out there because his roommate, Yoochun, promised to overlook the fact that Jaejoong was behind on rent if he picked up something from the post office for him.

“Damn Yoochun,” he grumbles, not for the first time. He takes out his iPod and turns it on, trying to ignore what feels like the beginnings of a headache.

As the third song comes to an end, he suddenly hears fast-paced footsteps, right behind him.

Instinctively— and possibly irrationally, as well— he swings around, arm catching the person behind him in the chest. The force of the impact causes the other guy (Jaejoong’s mind dimly registers jogging attire and even manages to form the words “oh, shit”) to topple onto him. When he finally manages to look at who he hit, he’s temporarily struck speechless, because who else is it but Shim Changmin himself?

Jaejoong is suddenly all too aware of the heat of Changmin’s body on his own, and every place where they touch burns.

There’s a moment of stunned silence before Changmin abruptly pulls himself up and hoists Jaejoong to his feet as well. “Sorry,” he says easily, as if Jaejoong wasn’t at fault, and their hands touch for a second too long.

*

This time Jaejoong purposely tries to find Changmin, but it’s not because he wants to see him or anything. He’s only going to apologize, and repay him for the free drink.

Thankfully, the shop is still open. He sits at the table nearest the door, and is soon approached by a red-haired waitress. “Excuse me,” he says, before she can speak, “Do you happen to know if Changmin’s here today?”

She purses her lips, glancing to the side. “He’s supposed to be having his break right now, actually, but...” She pauses as his face falls, and relents. “But, I’ll go fetch him for you.”

Less than a minute later, Changmin stumbles out of the back room, hastily tugging on his apron and shooting dirty looks over his shoulder. Without looking up he curtly flips open his order pad. “What can I get for you today?”

“Um,” Jaejoong says. He feels awkward, which is something in itself. Kim Jaejoong is never embarrassed. Kim Jaejoong is cool and aloof, even to his friends, and to strangers he’s usually downright unfriendly.

Changmin blows a strand of unruly hair out of his eyes. “Look, if you’re not...” he begins, exasperation clear in his voice, and then looks up. His annoyed expression turns to surprise. “Oh,” he says, recognition dawning in his eyes. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he smiles nervously. “Listen, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. And pay you back for the drink you bought me.”

“Really, there’s no need,” Changmin says automatically, but Jaejoong insists he repay him somehow and Changmin finally suggests, “Would you like to have a drink with me? Technically I’m supposed to be on my break now.”

“Sure,” Jaejoong agrees, relieved.

Changmin sits in the seat across from him, and orders something for both of them. They talk about nothing for awhile, exchange names, and learn they’re taking some of same courses. They have more in common than either expected and plenty to talk about, and Jaejoong begins to feel more comfortable. He even laughs occasionally.

There’s a lull in the conversation when the drinks arrive, delivered by the same girl who Jaejoong had talked to. Seeing her reminds Jaejoong of something he was wondering about. “If you don’t mind my asking, why were you so upset earlier?” he asks curiously.

Changmin chokes slightly on his coffee, and it takes him a few seconds before he can talk again. “Oh, that,” he says, looking somewhat uncomfortable. “It was nothing, I just broke up with my…” he waves his hand around vaguely.

Jaejoong puts on his sympathetic face. “Break ups are always rough—”

“—boyfriend,” Changmin finishes, turning slightly pink.

He pauses mid-thought. “Boyfriend?” he repeats.

“Yes.” Changmin bites his lip and glances at the clock. “Listen, I have to get back to work now, but it’s been nice talking to you.”

Jaejoong can tell Changmin’s just giving him an excuse to leave in case he’s horribly put off by the fact that he’s gay, and even though he’s not he doesn’t push it. He nods, once, and gets up to go. “I’ll see you around,” he calls, and sees a flicker of doubt in Changmin’s eyes.

*

Once his classes are over for the day, Jaejoong gets a phone call from Yoochun reminding him that it’s his turn to buy food this week, and this time, can he please not buy so many perishables? Their refrigerator is only so big. He grudgingly makes a quick detour to the supermarket and then resumes walking back to their apartment.

It’s harder than he thought it would be. His arms are loaded with what feels like a month’s worth of groceries, for crying out loud, and he can barely see where he’s going. Jaejoong passes by someone talking on the phone, and catches part of the conversation.

“Stop calling me, Yunho,” he hears, and slows down. Their voice sounds strangely familiar. Jaejoong tries to look over the bag in his arms and manages to catch a quick glimpse of the person.

And of course it’s Changmin, who continues talking.

“I broke up with you! Stop calling me. I’m not going to take you back.” Jaejoong sees Changmin shut the phone with a disgusted sigh, and wonders if he should try to sneak by unnoticed. Then he remembers Changmin’s skepticism when he suggested seeing him again, and running away would just prove him right.

“Changmin, hi,” he says, shifting his bags so he can look at him properly.

Jaejoong almost laughs when Changmin yelps and almost drops his phone, but when he turns Jaejoong can see his eyes are red and puffy.

“Are you okay?” he asks cautiously.

Somehow, they end up sitting on the sidewalk together, having a long heart-to-heart talk.

“The thing is,” Changmin sighs, “he was my first love. I really liked him when I first met him, and he asked me out. For the first year it was perfect, and then I don't even know what happened. It was like I just stopped or something, and I had to remind myself I liked him. That was when I figured I’d better end it.”

Jaejoong rubs Changmin’s back soothingly. “You did the right thing,” he tells him. “Staying in a relationship like that, neither of you are going to be happy.”

“I know,” Changmin says, looking miserable. “ But he never seemed to notice anything was wrong. For a long time I wondered if there was something wrong with me.”

“Don’t think that." He hits him lightly on the back. “This sort of thing happens all the time, and no one’s ever to blame. Don’t worry about Yunho. He’ll find someone else, you can count on it,” Jaejoong snorts, and his voice softens. “You both will.”

*

Jaejoong doesn’t know why he lets Junsu drag him to his soccer match. True, Junsu had threatened to break into Jaejoong’s apartment and burn all his clothes, but it’s not like Jaejoong believed him or anything. Here he is on a perfectly good Friday afternoon, crammed in the stands amid avid soccer fans.

Even though he doesn’t know anything about soccer besides the fact that people try to kick balls into goals, he gets caught up in the excitement and ends up cheering until his voice is hoarse. Someone sits next to him, and Jaejoong almost whacks them in the face when Junsu scores a goal.

“Do you normally get this excited when you watch soccer?” an amused voice asks. Jaejoong knows that voice.

“Changmin,” he laughs. “I’m sorry about that. I don’t even like soccer that much, actually, but all this energy is contagious. You like soccer too?”

Changmin’s face is flushed and pink from the wind. “It's fun. I don't play, though,” he admits.

They sit together for the rest of the game, and when it’s over everyone in the stands swarms down to talk to the players.

“Come on, let’s go now and congratulate them,” Jaejoong shouts over the crowd.

“Oh, but—” Changmin hesitates. “I don’t know any of them—”

“One of them’s my friend,” Jaejoong reassures him. “I’ll introduce you.” Before Changmin can protest again, he grabs his hand and leads him down the stairs.

Junsu greets them happily, sweaty and triumphant, and it is only when he looks confusedly at their joined hands that they remember to let go.

*

Jaejoong wakes up to the dulcet tones of his roommate, who seems to be having an argument with someone. Their voice is not quite so melodious, and in fact they seem to be shouting.

“Yoochun, you promised!”

“I know, I’m sorry, but something came up. Can’t you take someone else?”

“No, or else I would’ve asked them already! I can’t take just anyone, I asked you because you’d be able to protect me in case anything went wrong.”

“Honestly, Changmin, you don’t need protection.” There’s a loud smack. “Ow, see, that’s what I meant!”

Jaejoong doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation because his brain catches one word: Changmin. He jumps out of bed, makes himself look semi-presentable in record time, and carefully walks through the hallway.

Changmin’s back is to him; Yoochun’s rubbing his arm and talking very quickly, most likely to prevent being hit again. “Look, if I can find someone to take you, will you relax?”

“I don’t trust your friends.” He’s got his arms crossed and sounds sulky.

Yoochun spots Jaejoong over Changmin’s shoulder, and Jaejoong can almost see his eyes light up. “My roommate will take you!” he declares, and shoots him a pleading look. Jaejoong rolls his eyes.

“Who the hell is your roommate?” Changmin demands.

“Hi,” Jaejoong says mildly, and Changmin’s head whips around.

“Jaejoong?” He gives Yoochun a surprised look. “Why didn’t you tell me Jaejoong was your roommate?”

Yoochun huffs impatiently. “You didn’t ask.” He turns to address Jaejoong. “Since you seem to be friends, Changmin needs you to go to a party with him. Are you free right now?”

Changmin glares at Yoochun. “It’s not as simple as that. I mean, it’s not going to be fun. There’ll be drinking, and drugs, probably, and stuff...” he trails off uncertainly.

“Don’t worry,” Jaejoong says. “I’m used to rough crowds.

*

There’s a taxi waiting for them already, and they get in. Changmin gives the driver the address, and they drive off.

“Why do you want to go to this party so badly?” Jaejoong asks, intrigued. Changmin doesn't look like he drinks or parties much, and he definitely doesn't look like a drug dealer, but maybe that’s just part of his act.

“This guy in my chem class promised me some hard-to-get,” which Jaejoong takes to be a euphemism for illegal, “substances that I needed for my science experiment. He said he wasn’t going to risk bringing them to school, and that only a party would provide enough distraction to hand them over.” He scowls.

Jaejoong processes this. “Wow,” he finally says. “You’re such a nerd.”

“Yeah, I know,” Changmin says cheerfully.

*

While Changmin goes to find his source, Jaejoong flops onto the couch and looks around in distaste. No wonder he dislikes parties so much; they suck. There are at least four couples making out by the door, a couple jello-shots going around, and beer in the kitchen. The house is hot and sweaty and smells bad.

Changmin finds him after he’s had a couple jello cubes out of sheer boredom. Whatever was in them, it’s strong. He tries to focus on Changmin when he leans in and tells him that he’s got them; they can go.

“Stop moving,” Jaejoong groans. He reaches out, manages to grab a sleeve, and tugs Changmin towards the couch. He curls up next to him and burrows his face in his neck. “You smell so much nicer than the house,” he sighs.

Changmin laughs, and then inhales sharply when Jaejoong’s lips graze his skin. His voice comes out shakier than usual. “Jaejoong, what are you doing?”

“Dunno,” he mumbles, and curls his hand around Changmin’s belt. “Hitting on you?”

Changmin jerks away so fast Jaejoong almost falls over, and he gets a head rush when Changmin pulls him up. His hand closes in a vice-like grip around Jaejoong’s wrist and he drags Jaejoong outside.

*

It’s wet and windy outside and it reminds Jaejoong of when they first met. The cold helps snap him out of his disoriented state. Changmin doesn’t push him up against a wall or anything melodramatic like that, which Jaejoong is a little disappointed about. Maybe he is still drunk.

Changmin certainly seems to think so. “Are you drunk?” he demands. “What are you doing?”

“I’m not that drunk,” he defends himself, and then sways slightly. “God, Changmin,” he says, frustrated. “Why are you being so damn difficult? Is it that hard to accept that I might actually like you?”

“You hardly know me.” Changmin takes a step back. “You don’t know anything about me!

“I know enough. I know you’re nice to strangers, I know you’re a mad genius and teachers like you, I know you go running and what classes you take, I know you had a boyfriend you stopped loving and you’re just waiting for someone else,” he says, tone challenging. “Are you afraid? Is that it? Do you think it’s going to happen again, that you’ll like someone and then stop?”

“Fuck you—”

He raises his voice. “Do you like me?”

Changmin hesitates.

Jaejoong steps forward until he’s almost touching Changmin. “Changmin,” he says softly, “how're you going to find someone if you don't at least try?”

Changmin tries to shove him away, but Jaejoong grabs his wrists and refuses to let go. He struggles for a few seconds, and then gives up. “Yes,” he whispers, and he seems to collapse a little.

“Good,” Jaejoong says decisively, and kisses him.

The kiss is nothing special, cool and clean, and the smell of rain is in the air. Jaejoong imagines fireworks are going off somewhere, even if it's only in his head.

Eventually, he pulls away. Changmin still looks miffed, but his eyes are bright and hopeful and he's willing to try. That's all that matters. “You jerk,” he grumbles, and punches Jaejoong in the arm. “Bullying me into saying I liked you.”

Jaejoong laughs, and resists the urge to pinch his cheeks and call him cute. “How else was I going to get you to confess and be sure?”

Changmin snorts. “You’re so dense,” he sighs. “Of course I like you. Why do you think I bought you the drink in the first place?”

Fic: Fall in love whenever you can (11/11)

2008-01-30T13:47:21Z

Title: Fall in love whenever you can
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin (slight yoosu and jaeho)

Last chapter!! It's been fun, haha. A big thanks to all who read this or commented :D I hope you enjoyed it. ♥♥ Shifting tenses, grammatical errors. See if you can catch all the weird parallels with the first couple of chapters~ it's all one big circle, really. But amidst the lengthy paragraphs and more tedious descriptions there is RESOLUTION.
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
interlude: I II III

Changmin numbly responds to as many of the doctor’s questions and statements as he can (are there any relatives we can contact, do you know his insurance policy/phone number/personal information, does he have a will made?), but he has to admit that he barely knows Yunho. “I don’t know,” he repeats. “I’m just a— friend.” He's not sure if he's even that.

Once the doctors have done whatever they can for Yunho, they let Changmin inside to see him. He takes a seat beside Yunho’s bed. The fluorescent hospital lights bore down on him like spotlights, and he feels like this is his last chance to make a confession of his own.

“I hated you,” he blurts out, unnerved by the stillness and stark white walls and Yunho lying there, unmoving. “I hated you before I even met you, because Jaejoong still loved you. I wanted you out of the picture, I would’ve been glad if you had disappeared and never came back.” His voice shakes and his vision blurs slightly, but he continues with an effort. “But you— when you did come back, and you thought Jaejoong liked me better, you tried to help me. You told me the truth. You tried to fix things, you wanted what was best for him, even though you were dying and you had such a short time left to be happy.”

Changmin wipes away the few tears that managed to escape and sighs.

“I never got the chance to know you,” he says, and feels oddly calm after relieving the weight on his conscience. “I’m sorry for that.” Gone is the urge to cry and bemoan the cruelty of life. He thinks Yunho would prefer that.

“I forgive you, by the way.” He swallows hard as he gets up to go, and pauses. “I hope you can forgive me too.”

The silence that follows is punctuated only by the steady beat of the heart monitor.

By the time Jaejoong gets there, it’s too late.

“I’m sorry,” the doctor says gently. “It’s highly unlikely that he’ll regain consciousness at this point.”

“No,” Jaejoong whispers, and he feels lightheaded. “No, I just saw him, less than an hour ago, he looked fine, he told me he was okay!”

“I’m sorry,” the doctor repeats. “We told him the cancer was spreading and that his condition was getting worse. We warned him not to overexcite himself. He understood he didn’t have much longer to live.” He pauses discreetly. “I’ll give you two a moment together, if you wish to say goodbye.”

Jaejoong goes inside, dazed, and has to clutch the rails of the hospital bed to steady himself. He fumbles for the chair and sits heavily, gazing at Yunho’s face.

“You lied to me.” There’s a tight feeling in his chest. “You told me— you told me you were okay!”

He begins to cry in earnest, and it’s almost a relief to feel something other than shock. Through his haze of tears all he can see is Yunho smiling at him, all he can hear is Yunho saying, “It’s going to be all right.”

A part of Jaejoong is still in denial about Yunho dying. It’s impossible, everything’s so unreal, his life wasn’t meant to have dying lovers and tangled romances and endless confusion. Yunho looks like he’s sleeping for God’s sake, and then Jaejoong realizes that he hasn’t seen Yunho ever look this calm before. Not since he’s been there, not when he was awake or asleep, not when he was relaxed or even happy. It is now, on the brink of death, that all the lines and worried wrinkles on his face have smoothed out on his face.

He looks peaceful.

The pain in Jaejoong’s chest dulls, and he can’t bring himself to cry anymore.

“You know, I was always afraid you’d do something like this,” Jaejoong tells Yunho. His voice has become matter-of-fact and quiet. “I didn’t want you to get involved with my problem. I thought they’d make you feel worse, and I didn’t want you to do that to yourself.”

More tears form at the corners of his eyes, but this time they’re there because he understands. He understands how Yunho must have felt, and that the guilt would have torn him apart faster than the cancer.

“But I know you thought it was the only thing you could do, huh?”

Jaejoong’s life is in pieces, but because of Yunho he’ll have the chance to rebuild it. He won't ever forget Yunho, but he'll become a memory. He won't prevent Jaejoong from living, wouldn't even want to in the first place.

“I’ll miss you.”

Time of death: 11:18 AM.

Jaejoong is about to leave the hospital when the doctor stops him.

“Excuse me, but do you happen to know who the deceased’s other visitor was? Tall, younger man, black hair?”

Changmin, he thinks, and is surprised by the way his heart jumps. “Yes, I think I do, is there a problem?”

“We think he left his phone here. He was with Yunho when he collapsed, and probably dropped it accidentally,” the doctor explains, holding up a slim black phone. Jaejoong recognizes it as Changmin’s. “We found it under the bed when we were clearing the room, and he’s already left the building.”

“Yes, it’s his,” Jaejoong says, and takes it. “I can return it to him.”

The phone sits in his palm, cool and heavy, and Jaejoong wonders if it’s a sign. He flips it open, scrolls through Changmin’s contact list, and dials the one labeled Junsu - cell.

Changmin is the one who picks up.

“Hello? Who is this?” Changmin sounds surprised; he obviously hadn’t noticed his phone was missing.

“It’s Jaejoong,” he says carefully, and hurriedly continues before Changmin can say anything. “You left your phone in— in Yunho’s room. The doctor gave it to me.”

“Thank you,” Changmin replies, still somewhat surprised. There’s a pause before he asks, hesitantly, “How’s Yunho?”

“He’s dead.” Jaejoong can’t think of any other way to phrase it, and saying it so bluntly, just the truth and nothing else, helps force the fact into his own head.

“I’m sorry,” Changmin says, and there’s a genuine touch of pity in his voice that makes Jaejoong wonder exactly how much Yunho said to Changmin, how much time they spent together.

“There’s going to be a small memorial for him,” Jaejoong tells him. “I just— if you wanted— if you went— I was wondering if you wanted to attend it. Um. I could give you back your phone, too.” His face flushes as he listens to himself speak, but Changmin doesn’t say anything until he finishes.

“I’d like to go.” Changmin’s voice is solemn, and Jaejoong realizes he’s been holding his breath ever since he stopped talking.

“He’d appreciate it,” Jaejoong says, gratefully. It’s only half a lie; Yunho would appreciate Changmin coming to his funeral. Never mind the fact that he'd appreciate it as well. “I’ll call you.”

The cemetery is hot and the sun's burning down on Jaejoong's black suit, but he can’t muster up the strength to adjust it.

Yunho never specified where he wanted to be buried, only that he wanted somewhere not too expensive and not too crowded. There’s no tombstone for his grave, but a small engraved plaque marks where he lies.

Changmin sees Jaejoong from a distance, a lone figure dressed in black, head bowed in respect. He quietly goes to stand next to Jaejoong, whose only reaction is to stiffen slightly, but he doesn’t look alarmed.

This is the first time Changmin's had the chance to try and talk to Jaejoong face to face, and he finds himself tongue tied.

Changmin directs his gaze to the grave marker instead. “He seemed like a nice person,” he says wistfully, and for some reason Jaejoong smiles.

“He was.”

There’s an awkward silence. The months they’ve been apart, one betrayed and one a mess, stand between them like some insurmountable barrier, and Changmin fears there’s no hope of overcoming it. Really, it would be so easy to walk away. They could part on friendly terms, see each other occasionally, forget what happened. He was just starting to let it go, he could get over it. It’s possible.

He’s getting a bit desperate, willing to say anything, ask Jaejoong what he wants, ask what they’re supposed to do, when Jaejoong speaks, almost absentmindedly. “You never told me you sang.”

It’s so completely out of the blue that it makes Changmin’s train of thought stop completely for a second, but at least it’s something to talk about.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” he says slowly, and it’s true. The reverse is true too; there’s a lot he doesn’t know about Jaejoong, and it makes him wonder whether he should keep going. What if Jaejoong doesn’t want anything to do with him? What if, what if, he could think of a thousand more reasons why he should stop and turn away right now, but instead he thinks of Junsu.

That was the happiest I’d ever seen you. Don’t just give up.

Junsu was half right when he said that.

There are times when doing nothing is okay, when betrayed or hurt too badly. But there are times when doing something, risking looking a little foolish, is the right thing to do.

If he still loves Jaejoong, it doesn’t matter what happened. Well, okay, it does matter, but that’s how life works. It's got the good and the bad. It’s full of opportunities, possibilities, and always the chance to fall in love. People fall in love, and sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Not everyone finds their perfect match on the first try, and life lets them keep looking, and keep falling in love until they do.

I fell in love with you.

He’s not sure he wants to keep looking.

“But,” he says, “I’m willing to stick around, if you want to find out.” Changmin could be embarrassed about stating it so flatly and being so obvious about his feelings, but instead he squints at the skies.

There, he says silently to Yunho, and imagines Yunho shaking his head, all the pain and fatigue and guilt disappearing from his face. Finally, he would say.

Jaejoong doesn’t respond for a long, long time, and Changmin finally risks turning to look at him. That is, of course, the moment that Jaejoong chooses to look up, and as their eyes meet he feels his cheeks heating up.

“Think he was trying to tell us something?” Jaejoong gestures at the epitaph engraved on Yunho’s marker, and Changmin reads it.

Don't let the dead stand in the way of the living. They are the ones who need you.

Changmin laughs, and even though it’s a little shaky it surprises him. “I think he’s always been trying to tell us something.”

He almost jumps when he feels Jaejoong’s hand reach for his.

“I’m willing to find out,” he says softly, and Changmin feels his heart, battered and bruised and broken, begin to lift.

“After all,” Jaejoong snaps his fingers, and there is a shadow of his old self, teasing and flirtatious, “I promised you a happy ending, didn’t I?”

“You did.” Changmin remembers it, remembers remembering it, and can’t help the smile that overtakes his face, brilliant and real.

There are a million ways this story might have gone, and a million different ways it can still go. There are more people to meet, secrets to discover, fights to be had, all of which can wreck a potentially happy ending in the blink of an eye. But the opposite holds true as well; nothing is set in stone. From misfortune can come hope— Changmin’s experienced it himself. Each decision he makes can change his life, and he doesn’t always know what will happen.

We don’t get to choose our fates, but that shouldn't stop us from trying to change them if we can.

Yunho was right, as usual.

There are a million ways his story could have ended.

He’ll take his chances with this one.

Fic: Fall in love whenever you can - interlude III

2008-01-23T09:54:53Z

Title: Fall in love whenever you can
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin (slight yoosu and jaeho)

The interlude is over, and there's only one more chapter left :)
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
interlude: I II

The first thought that pops into Jaejoong’s mind when he sees Changmin, as crazy and ridiculous as it sounds, is that he dreamed everything. The whole situation they’re in, it was all just the result of a bad dinner or a restless sleep. Yunho didn’t really come back, he’s not dying, and Jaejoong never broke up with Changmin.

Changmin’s back is to him; he’s cursing and trying to put on his jacket. It’s a familiar morning scene that he would repeat practically every day, and Jaejoong is so relieved he blurts out, “Changmin!” without thinking.

He knows something’s off when Changmin stiffens and doesn’t move for a second. He knows there’s something wrong when Changmin turns and there’s a tense, angry look in his eyes.

He knows he didn’t dream anything.

“Changmin, what—?” Jaejoong extends his hand unconsciously, but Changmin yanks his own away before they can make contact.

“Don’t touch me.” His voice is loud and sharp and all Jaejoong can think of is what an oddly fitting statement that is. Because that’s how people show their love, by touching one another, and Changmin certainly doesn’t want his love.

Jaejoong flinches again when Changmin mentions Yunho because he hasn’t even thought of him since last night, but Changmin interprets it a different way.

“That’s what I thought.” There's no spite in his voice but the words still sting. “Can’t let your boyfriend learn you fucked your ex.”

You fucked your ex.

Oh, god.

Changmin, underneath him, eyes dark and unreadable, Changmin leaning up and kissing him, the taste of skin and sweat bitter on his tongue. Soft touches, the slide of clothes against clothes and the feverish heat of skin on skin. Incoherent sounds, gasps, moans, Changmin’s eyes closed face flushed and lips parted, pleading for more. Jaejoong’s strangled cry when he comes, the silence of the aftermath, darkness and three quiet words: I love you.

He opens his mouth. Changmin looks impossibly young and fragile and hurt and it’s all Jaejoong’s fault. A part of him is still suspended in disbelief, but another, louder part is screaming, “You took advantage of him, that’s what you did!”

The situation is so fucked up that Jaejoong doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. Is this the time for him to confess everything, if only to offer some sort of explanation for what he just did? How would Changmin react? Would he even believe him? What if telling Changmin only makes it worse?

In the end, it doesn’t really matter what Jaejoong decides, because before he can say a thing Changmin’s out the door and gone.

He really has to hand it to himself. He couldn’t have thought of a more perfect way to ensure they never get together again.

As he pulls on his clothes, he tells himself it’s better this way.

There’s no point in obsessing over Changmin, not if Jaejoong wants to forget about him. He’s determined to put last night out of his mind and focus all his energy in making Yunho happy.

After a quick shower and change of clothes, he drives to Yunho’s apartment. Yunho looks a little better, and Jaejoong take the opportunity to animatedly list different places they can go and interesting sights to see. He even has a folder prepared of nearby attractions; Yunho flips through it with an amused smile on his lips. Jaejoong's full of enthusiasm, energetic, and putting on a complete sham.

“How about this one?” Yunho hands him one of the clippings, an amusement park that opened several months ago. “They’re offering a special reduction of prices this week.”

Jaejoong winces slightly when he reads it. It’s the one he had planned to see with Changmin, back when it had recently opened, but he’s not going to begrudge Yunho of anything now.

“Sure,” he says brightly. “Sounds great! Let’s go!”

To his intense annoyance Yunho constantly brings up Changmin, on the car ride there and as they’re walking through the amusement park. Whether Yunho’s feeling guilty or just plain concerned, he’s fucking persistent when he wants to be.

“You should just tell him,” Yunho urges, multiple times. “You’re being a moron.”

“I can’t tell him,” Jaejoong repeats, over and over again. “It’d just make things worse.”

After an hour of advice and skeptical looks, he finally snaps, “Yunho. Stop worrying about me.” Jaejoong doesn’t say what they’re both thinking: you should be worrying about yourself.

To his relief Yunho takes the hint and does shut up, albeit reluctantly, and they manage to have something resembling a good time.

That is, until they run into Changmin and his two friends, Junsu and Yoochun.

There’s an awkward silence as they all stare at each other; Yunho shoots Jaejoong a look that he pointedly ignores, opting to look down at the ground instead. The stillness is broken when Junsu steps forward, ugly scowl on his normally good-natured face, ready to lash out at Jaejoong for what he did. At this point Jaejoong doesn’t really care and would almost welcome some kind of punishment, but Changmin and Yoochun quickly hold him back.

Changmin’s face looks strained, and he touches Junsu's sleeve lightly. Almost immediately Junsu’s anger for Changmin turns to concern and he backs off, but it doesn’t prevent him from shooting Jaejoong one last dirty look and mouthing coward. He and Yunho would probably get along well.

As they move away, Changmin looks back, and for a split second their eyes meet. Jaejoong’d like to think there was sympathy in Changmin’s gaze, sadness, worry— he breaks off this train of thought abruptly. He’s seeing things that aren’t there, that he doesn’t deserve.

Once they’re out of sight, Jaejoong comes back to his senses. “Come on,” he says, too quickly, and walks in the opposite direction. He gets only a few steps before realizing Yunho’s not behind him, and turns around.

Yunho’s kneeling on the ground, face ashen, breathing harshly.

“Shit,” he mutters, and rushes to his side immediately. “Damn it, Yunho, are you okay?”

“It sort of hurts,” Yunho manages, one hand clutching his chest.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” Jaejoong says grimly, hardening his expression to cover up his fear.

The doctors tell Jaejoong that Yunho’s getting worse, and they’re going to keep him overnight to see if there are any changes, good or bad. They won’t let Jaejoong see him, but he refuses to leave and dozes fitfully in the waiting room.

It’s near daybreak when the doctor wakes him up, looking harried and tired.

“He’s awake, and wants to see you.”

Yunho’s first words to him are, “You look terrible, Jaejoong. Did you sleep at all?”

Jaejoong glares at him, but he’s so relieved and exhausted he can’t be properly angry. “You’re so stupid,” he snaps. “You don’t take care of yourself! You should’ve told me you weren’t feeling good.” His voice cracks a bit. “I was worried.”

Yunho sighs and closes his eyes. Jaejoong can see the delicate outline of veins on them, and a shudder runs down his spine.

“I’m okay now, though.” Yunho smiles reassuringly at him. “The doctor says my condition is pretty stable now, but they’re going to keep me here for a while longer to monitor it.”

They talk for an hour. Jaejoong cracks stupid jokes if only to get Yunho to smile and lose the weariness in his eyes. Jaejoong’s in the middle of telling a story about his latest trip to the supermarket, watching Yunho carefully to gauge his reaction.

For a second Yunho's gaze seems to shift and it looks like he's staring at something behind him, but when Jaejoong turns there's no one there.

He turns back around. “Yunho, what were you-” but he stops, because Yunho suddenly grabs the sleeve of his shirt and pulls Jaejoong forward.

“One last chance, ok?” he breathes. “Don't screw this up.”

“What are you talking about?” Jaejoong asks, surprised, and pulls away a little. “Yunho?”

Yunho smiles slightly and shakes his head, but Jaejoong could swear he saw tears in his eyes. “Nothing,” he says cheerfully. “Listen, I want you to go home, all right? I’m sure you didn’t get any sleep, and I’m going to be here for a while.”

“But—”

“There’s nothing you can do.” Yunho takes his hand. “I appreciate it, but I know you must be tired.”

Jaejoong reluctantly gets up, gives Yunho one last hug. “Okay. I'll go back home and rest for a bit. But call me so I can pick you up.” He pauses by the doorway, hesitating. He really doesn’t want to leave, but Yunho is waiting and watching him and he doesn’t have much of a choice.

“It’s going to be all right,” Yunho says softly, and Jaejoong nods and walks away.

Fic: Fall in love whenever you can - interlude II

2008-01-21T14:14:27Z

Title: Fall in love whenever you can
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin (slight yoosu and jaeho)

Part two. There'll be one more part after this, and then the last chapter! Sorry about the slow update, etcetc D: And: if you haven't heard about the jaemin car crash, check it out here.
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
interlude: I

Jaejoong isn't surprised by the sick feeling in his stomach when he realizes this, but if he thinks about it, the situation isn’t as bad as it looks. It’s fixable. Yunho would never have to know anything; Jaejoong can just find Changmin and explain everything.

“Changmin,” he’d plead. “I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to leave you like that, please forgive me. I had a reason— Yunho is dying.”

The words echo strangely in his head.

“Jaejoong, I’m sorry for leaving you, please forgive me. I had a reason. I’m dying.”

It is exactly what Yunho had done, leaving and coming back with explanations and the desire to fix their relationship.

Only—

Only it hadn’t been fixed.

They aren’t the same, they aren’t a couple anymore. Jaejoong obviously doesn’t feel the same, he’s in love with someone else, Yunho’s just a friend to him now.

But why? Jaejoong asks himself desperately. Yunho was still his old self, helpful and kind and considerate and all sorts of good qualities. Why couldn’t he stay in love him?

He knows why.

He left me. He left me for five years. I don’t care if he had a reason, he should have told me something. Anything. I was left waiting, agonizing, and he steps back into my life thinking everything would be the same, but it never is.

It never is.

Even if, after Yunho (he swallows hard) dies, he gets back together with Changmin, Changmin would never trust him.

Their relationship would be tainted. It’d be torn apart by suspicion, petty fights and shouting matches.

The sick feeling returns full force.

He does his best to hide it from Yunho. If Yunho found out, he’d feel hurt (that Jaejoong could fall in love so quickly), worried (what if Jaejoong left him for Changmin?), uneasy (then he’d die alone and unloved), conflicted (because what does Jaejoong owe him, anyway?), and above all, guilty.

He knows Yunho will feel guilty, and it would make him try to do something ridiculously noble like leave, and screw everything up even more.

Jaejoong’s already decided he’s never going to tell Changmin how he feels, so why would he tell Yunho and stir up unnecessary trouble? The last thing he needs in Yunho interfering or even caring about his problems.

Despite his best efforts, there are times Jaejoong lets something slip, and his attempts to brush them off only make them all the more obvious. He starts to think Yunho knows something.

To be honest he’s sure Yunho knows. Hell, Yunho probably figured it out before he did, but if no one says anything, it’s still practically a secret, isn’t it?

Yunho stops by as Jaejoong’s making dinner.

“Hey,” Jaejoong comments, without looking up. “Where were you yesterday? I thought you were going to come over.”

“I was,” Yunho says, a shade guiltily, “but I realized I had something to do, and after I finished I was too tired to come over. I’m sorry. I should’ve called.”

“It’s okay.” Jaejoong spoons some food onto a plate. “What did you have to do?”

Yunho opens his mouth, and then closes it. “I— ” he starts, and trails off. “Well— something— it wasn’t very important— nothing very important, really.”

Jaejoong looks up at that, narrowing his eyes. Yunho’s fidgeting, picking up plates and setting them down, completely avoiding Jaejoong’s eyes.

“Yunho. What did you do?” His voice comes out louder than he means, and he sees Yunho wince.

“I talked to Changmin,” he says, words coming out in a nervous rush.

“You did what?” The plate slips from his fingers and food spills messily to the floor, but Jaejoong barely notices. “You had no right to interfere—”

“I didn’t say anything important,” Yunho defends himself. “I just wanted to see him.”

“Why did you go?” There’s a tight feeling in Jaejoong’s chest and he doesn’t understand why he’s so angry. “He doesn’t know anything about you except that you’re the reason why I broke up with him! He obviously doesn't know why, so he must hate you if anything! Why would you go see someone who hated you? Just because you were curious?”

Yunho stops him mid-rant with a single question. “You didn’t tell him I was dying?”

Jaejoong closes his eyes briefly, pressing his temples with his fingers. “No. I didn’t.” He doesn’t want to see the understanding in Yunho’s eyes (if he can’t see it, it’s not there).

“He seemed like a nice kid,” Yunho says softly, placing a hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder, and just like that Jaejoong’s anger disappears.

“Yeah.” It leaves behind a sort of empty, hollow ache in his chest. “He is.”

In the middle of their dinner, Yunho gets sick and has to go back home to lie down. His face is pale and tired and he’s so obviously sick, even though he tells Jaejoong not to worry.

Jaejoong insists on driving Yunho to his apartment, gives him medicine, forces him into bed, and sits with him until he falls asleep.

When he gets home he collapses on his couch and buries his face in his hands. He’s been so caught up in his own stupid problems he’s practically forgotten Yunho’s dying, and for that he hates himself.

But Jaejoong hates having to know that Yunho is going to die and being unable to do anything more, so he searches for a source of oblivion. Which usually means alcohol.

There’s nothing in his apartment, so he hails a cab and tells the driver to take him anywhere he can get drunk.

“I know just the place,” the driver announces. “Pretty close by too. They’ve got a great selection of drinks, and I hear they’re having some event tonight, where people can volunteer to sing if they want. Sounds good, eh? A nice little pick-me-up?”

Yes, Jaejoong agrees silently. It sounds perfect.

Most of the singers make him wish he’d gone somewhere else, but some are fairly decent. Even in his intoxicated state he can admit that. The girl up now, she’s short but she’s got a powerful voice, and Jaejoong wonders if she’ll ever use that voice for something other than entertaining drunkards like him. Probably not.

When she finishes Jaejoong applauds half-heartedly, absentmindedly counting the number of empty glasses on his table. The bottles blur and he loses track, which makes him think he should be heading home soon.

The couple next to him chattering loudly, a constant clink of bottles as they’re dealt out and drunk, the slow and lethargic pulse of Jaejoong’s heart, they all drown out the announcer and he doesn’t hear who the next singer will be.

It is only when a hushed, almost unnatural silence falls over the club that Jaejoong looks up, and there’s Changmin.

Up there on the stage, golden light shining down on him and only him, he looks like an angel.

“Am I dreaming?” Jaejoong wonders, dazed. It could very well be a delusion brought on by the alcohol.

But the shock of seeing Changmin after so long has sobered him up; the haze clouding his mind disappears and he feels cold. He knows he shouldn’t be here, but a morbid curiosity forces him to stay. He’s a singer. He wants to hear Changmin’s voice.

Music starts to play, an eerie tune that makes the hairs on Jaejoong’s neck stand up, and Changmin begins to sing.

Changmin’s voice is clear and pure and cuts straight through him. Jaejoong’s eyes sting, and he realizes, distantly, that he’s crying.

There’s a physical ache in his chest that hurts, so badly, and he continues listening, longing for some kind of meaning. He wants proof that what’s he’s doing is right, and Changmin gives it to him.

He can tell Changmin’s only just getting over what happened; he’s on the verge of letting it go. After all, love fades with time. Theirs was already broken to begin with. Changmin doesn’t need him. Changmin doesn’t want him.

Jaejoong could leave right now and make sure Changmin doesn’t see him. That would be the right thing to do, to let Changmin forget about him and move on with his life.

But— and in his inebriated state he’s allowed to say this— Jaejoong doesn’t want Changmin to forget about him. He wants to be stupid and selfish; he wants Changmin to think about him and forgive him for what he did and—

The purpose of this evening, Jaejoong reminds himself, was to get completely and utterly drunk, not to whine and cry over his love life.

He takes another swig of his drink.

Jaejoong wakes up.

Jaejoong is surprised to have woken up, because he does not recall going to sleep. Or returning to his apartment.

He contemplates over this for awhile, and the fact that he seems to be rather naked, and comes to the conclusion that he doesn’t remember anything that happened, except for Changmin singing. Everything after that comes in bits and pieces and he’s not sure which parts actually happened and which are only dreams.

The most memorable dream had something to do with Changmin. At one point they were talking, or, rather, Changmin was trying to talk to him. Jaejoong feels rather proud that his dream self walked away instead of staying, chatting, and doing something stupid. The next instance he recalls makes him frown, because instead of avoiding Changmin Jaejoong had put his arms around him, looked into his eyes soulfully, and was carried on his back.

It’s not the most pleasant discovery he’s made this week, learning that he’s so obsessed with Changmin that he even dreams about him, but dreams aren’t real. They don’t hurt anyone.

With that in mind, he shifts slightly in his bed and turns towards the window, but there’s someone standing there, blocking the sunlight.

Fic: Fall in love whenever you can - interlude I

2008-01-10T13:51:55Z

Title: Fall in love whenever you can
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin (slight yoosu and jaeho)

Jaejoong's side story! :D I've split it into several parts, but how many I'm still not sure because this is turning out to be longer than I expected. It's not very detailed but I figured it was kinda important for understanding the story more. Ho ho ho. Just... ignore the title x__x
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

The day Yunho left had been beautiful.

The sun had finally begun to shine after weeks of grey clouds and gloomy weather, faint patches of green appeared on trees as leaves formed, and Jaejoong had never felt more like killing someone.

His boyfriend of four years, six months, and who knows how many days had disappeared, leaving behind nothing more than a note that said something about how he was sorry but something important had come up and it would be best to break up because he didn’t think they were right for each other.

At first Jaejoong had been pissed off. Four years together, and now he was saying they weren’t compatible? He was sure Yunho would come back, pleading temporary insanity or something like that, and he waited. He had it all planned, too. Yunho would show up on his doorstep one day, disheveled and full of remorse and apologies. Jaejoong would pretend at first that he was still annoyed and refuse to talk to him, but eventually he’d forgive Yunho and they’d be back together again and that was the important part.

Five years. Five long, agonizing years, and Yunho never bothered to call, write, or contact him in any way. Jaejoong tried to get over it, he really did, but every now and then he’d feel the sting of betrayal all over again. And the hurt. It hurt a lot.

Jaejoong began to move around a lot when he realized Yunho was probably never going to come back, always looking for some sort of distraction. He grew up, got a job (singing at a club), and even dated other people.

He didn’t make a secret of his sexuality. So he was gay, so what. People still admired him.

It was while he was working at said club that two guys came up to him. They’d talked to him, complimented his performance, and then casually suggested a blind date. Well, one did. The other stood around looking embarrassed.

Jaejoong was a bit wary at first; blind dates were never really his thing and he didn’t even know these people, but they seemed nice and even showed him a picture. It wasn’t a very good picture, slightly blurred and too small, but there was nevertheless something attractive about the guy. Shim Changmin.

He debated with himself for a few minutes and finally agreed. “Why not?” he thought spitefully. For all he knew Yunho was out there somewhere, having the time of his life and not thinking about him.

To his surprise he liked Changmin, liked him a lot.

Changmin was good looking, but there was more to him than his appearance; he was also smart. Thoughtful. Quiet, at first. As they got to know each other better, his true personality began to show, little by little.

He knew how to make Jaejoong laugh, took care of him whenever he was upset, and he always had some story to tell that would distract Jaejoong from his own personal issues, for the time.

They had fun together, liked each other, and then Yunho called.

There it was, the familiar voice coming from another lifetime, from Jaejoong’s past.

Yunho had sounded too polite, too formal, and it broke Jaejoong’s heart. It’s me, he wanted to shout. I’ve been waiting for you all this time, I’m here.

And then he remembered Yunho had left him, and that he was supposed to act cold. Indifferent.

“What do you want, Yunho? Why are you calling me?”

But any anger he had felt, feigned or real, disappeared at Yunho’s next words.

“I’m sorry that I left you, Jaejoong. But I had a reason.”

It took an age to forget Yunho, but it doesn’t take so long to forget Changmin.

That’s the only excuse Jaejoong has (and it’s not much of an excuse) for what he does next, for running out of his apartment, leaving behind comfort and Changmin, and going to find Yunho. It’s the only excuse Jaejoong has for kissing him.

He’s not really surprised when he comes back to the apartment and Changmin is nowhere to be seen. It’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it? A joyous reunion just can’t have another person hanging around. Changmin doesn’t fit in the picture.

What is he supposed to do, anyways? Yunho is dying. How can he even let himself be happy and stay with Changmin with that knowledge?

He can’t, and calls Changmin to tell him it’s over.

You’re a good person, and I like you, but I’m in love with him.

Changmin is calm, eerily calm, and Jaejoong feels so fucking guilty he almost can’t bear it. He thinks about telling him that Yunho’s dying, he can’t leave him, they have a history, but he doesn’t. Changmin doesn’t need to know that. It’d just hurt him more.

I’m sorry.

Jaejoong’s life becomes sleep, work, and Yunho. He tries to spend as much time as he can with Yunho, and they make the best of the time remaining. They usually go to Yunho’s apartment, and Jaejoong’s not sure why he never suggests they go to his, or even why he never suggests Yunho move in with him.

It just seems wrong, Jaejoong decides. Changmin’s belongings are still scattered everywhere, and even though Jaejoong’s vowed to pick everything up and give it back, he can’t bring himself to deal with it yet. Plus, they’re Changmin’s. He should be the one to stop by and pick them up.

Eventually he does put everything in boxes and stuffs them in his closet, but that’s only because looking at them reminded him of what he had done.

He packs the pictures last. They’re scattered all over the apartment, some framed and others just taped to walls.

There’s only one more left, one of Jaejoong’s favorites, that’s placed next to his bed. It’s a picture of Changmin in front of their apartment, and he’s laughing, head tilted towards the sky. Jaejoong had always liked Changmin’s smile.

“It’s not my fault,” Jaejoong says stubbornly, addressing the picture. “I didn’t have a choice.”

He’s angry because no matter what he says, he can’t shake the feeling that if Changmin never smiles like that again, it’ll be his fault.

For the next couple of days he practically lives at Yunho’s apartment.

To anyone else, they would seem like a normal couple in every respect. That’s how Yunho wants their relationship to be, without the cloud of doom and gloom hovering over.

“Pretend I’m not going to die,” he tells Jaejoong.

In public they hold hands, hug, kiss each other, and it’s all very natural. They both get used to it, but at night they talk and what lays in the future is all too obvious.

Yunho’s got a lot of stories to tell, secret fears he kept to himself. He talks about the cancer and how he felt when the doctor told him, about why he left, about the pure euphoric feeling of remission, and then the grief that followed.

Sometimes, he wonders aloud what death is like, and Jaejoong has to excuse himself so Yunho can’t see him cry.

Yunho never cries, but occasionally Jaejoong catches a faint flicker of sadness on his face when they go out together. It’s like all of a sudden he remembered he was going to die and that any happiness he felt was only temporary.

But he covers it up quickly, and Jaejoong pretends he doesn’t see, and they act like everything is okay.

Yunho kisses with a sense of urgency, and when Jaejoong tries to recall how he used to kiss, he can’t. Nevertheless, his touch is familiar; Jaejoong closes his eyes and lets his mind wander.

A hand on his hip, lips by his ear, a faint whisper, I love you.

But it’s not Yunho’s voice he hears.

Jaejoong is asleep already, but he wakes up slightly when Changmin lies down next to him. There’s a rustle of blankets, the slight squeak of the bedsprings, and then silence. Jaejoong’s about to doze off again when he hears a soft sigh.

“Jaejoong,” Changmin whispers, barely audible. “I—” A pause. It sounds almost like Changmin’s rehearsing his words, still thinking what to say.

By now Jaejoong’s wide awake, and he tries not to move. Changmin doesn’t know he’s awake, listening to every word.

“Jaejoong, I like you.” This he says more confidently. “I like you a lot.” Another, longer pause, and Jaejoong waits, heart racing.

“I— I think— I love you.”

His eyes fly open and he lets out a strangled gasp, pushes Yunho away, and ends up falling off the sofa. He lies there for a moment, stunned, before jumping up and sputtering apologies.

“I’m sorry,” he cries, frantically. “I don’t know why I did that, maybe I don’t feel good or something, dinner tasted a little funny and maybe I should go take a nap or something but it’s not like I didn’t want to—” he breaks off, slightly giddy, and tries to laugh it off.

“It’s okay,” Yunho says, but there’s a curious edge in his voice, and he’s looking at Jaejoong oddly.

A cold sense of panic spreads over Jaejoong; he has the strangest feeling that Yunho can read minds. He knows who Jaejoong was thinking about.

Jaejoong flushes— Changmin’s face leaps unbidden in his mind— “I didn’t mean to.”

Yunho doesn’t respond, but gets up and slings an arm around Jaejoong. He feels comfortable and safe; Jaejoong slumps against him tiredly.

“Come on, you can sleep on the couch,” Yunho says. “It’s late, and I’m not letting you drive back to your apartment.”

Jaejoong is too exhausted to try and argue, and meekly fetches blankets and pillows for his makeshift bed. He’s curled up in the sheets when Yunho comes to say good night. He looks worried and Jaejoong feels awful for making him feel worse.

“Yunho,” he says softly, guilt and something else— regret?— tugging his heart. “I’d never leave you.”

But Yunho’s eyes stay grave and eventually Jaejoong falls asleep with the image of his face still imprinted in his mind.

He’s thankful that Yunho doesn’t bring up the subject and doesn’t do anything beyond the occasional hug or peck on the cheek. Jaejoong needs time to be alone and to think.

“I love Yunho,” Jaejoong says emphatically, and it’s the truth, he does love him. “I still feel bad about leaving Changmin,” Jaejoong decides. “About going with Yunho. That’s why I remembered that!”

But why had the memory upset him so much? Why did the thought of never seeing Changmin hurt? Why did he keep thinking about him when he should have been worrying about Yunho? Why was he constantly obsessing over what he’d done and trying to rationalize it? It had to be more than just guilt.

Yunho had left him, and Jaejoong had found Changmin. Changmin had helped him cope, made him smile, made him forget. Changmin had loved him, and Jaejoong abandoned him.

Jaejoong had done to Changmin what Yunho had done to him.

This realization is bad enough (no explanation for leaving, years of anger and tears and bitterness) but the next shatters him.

Every question he had, all the agonizing he's done, the answer's so obvious but he's been in denial all this time because he didn't want to admit it. How could he?

Without knowing, without wanting to, he’d fallen in love with Changmin.

Fic: Fall in love whenever you can (10/11)

2008-01-01T11:29:40Z

Title: Fall in love whenever you can
Author: aidrocsid_eris
Pairing: jaemin (slight yoosu and jaeho)

The long-awaited (?) explanations! At least, I hope they clear things up u___u I can never tell. Angst. Lots of dialogue. Next up there's going to be a slight 'side-story' of Jae's pov, so it's slightly longer than 11 chapters :D Happy New Year~!
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

There's a calm finality in the way Yunho says it, and that, more than anything else, is what convinces Changmin: he’s telling the truth.

He is going to die.

How, Changmin thinks desperately, is it even possible to respond to something like that? He contemplates fainting, but despite the fact that he’s sick, exhausted, and an emotional wreck, it’s not just something he can do on command. It’s not as easy as all those dramas he used to watch make it look, even if he feels like he’s in one right now.

Yunho notices his discomfort and pulls up a couple chairs, gestures for him to sit down. “Sorry,” he says, with a tinge of embarrassment. “I probably shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that, huh?”

You think? Changmin wants to snap, but he can’t because Yunho’s really dying and this changes everything. Instead, he says, stumbling over his words, “When did you first— what is it—?”

“It’s called acute myeloid leukemia,” Yunho tells him. “Leukemia means it affects my bone marrow, myeloid describes what cells the leukemia starts in . . . and the acute, it means it’s fatal.”

“I’m sorry,” Changmin says numbly. He feels a bit sick (it is only now that he notices Yunho’s too skinny, too pale, too drained), but Yunho just shrugs.

“We don’t get to choose our fates,” he says, and leans forward a little, until they’re staring eye to eye. “But that shouldn't stop us from trying to change them if we can.” There’s a pause as Yunho lets the words sink in.

Changmin knows he’s talking about Jaejoong, and he’s sick of thinking about Jaejoong, of having Yunho tell him to basically ignore the fact that they broke up and go beg to be taken back, because that’s how it sounds.

Yunho doesn’t let him talk, though.

“I was dating Jaejoong when I was first diagnosed, a few years ago,” he says, almost dreamily, remembering. “When I found out I had leukemia, I was angry. I wanted to get away from everything. My parents and I moved away, to another town in another state, to get away from all the gossip and prying questions, and I left Jaejoong. I spent a year being treated, and for five years I was in remission. But one thing I learned from my doctors was that a complete remission is highly unlikely. It came back, and they told me there was nothing they could do. As my time grew shorter, I wanted to spend it with the people I loved, and so I came back to find Jaejoong. And when I found him, it was like we’d never been apart. But as we spent more time together, he changed. He was constantly distracted and worried, all because of you.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Changmin interrupts, and if his voice is a bit shaky and he’s tearing up slightly he has every right to. He can just picture it. Jaejoong, always pining after his old lover; Changmin saw it himself, didn’t he? Yunho, nobly distancing himself so Jaejoong would not have to suffer . . . and then a reunion, after being parted for so long. It’s got all the makings of a perfect drama, except for one slight glitch. Himself.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Yunho asks, a bit incredulous, a bit exasperated. “Look. He misses you.”

“The only thing he feels for me is guilt,” Changmin murmurs. Maybe he’s the one who should feel guilty, for ruining Jaejoong’s last moments with his dying lover.

“No,” Yunho says softly. “No, it’s not.”

— Yunho arrives at Jaejoong’s apartment earlier than he’s expected, but the door’s slightly open. He walks in as quietly as he can, since Jaejoong’s been known to throw a fit if interrupted during his ‘private time.’ Faint music is coming from his room; Yunho heads in that direction and peers inside.

There, at the foot of the bed, is Jaejoong. He’s curled up in a ball; half his face is covered by a striped beanie. Yunho tiptoes over, winces because it looks like Jaejoong’s been crying. There are words on the beanie, written in a messy black scrawl. He backs away before Jaejoong can wake up and see him there, and of course he knocks something over. Then Jaejoong sits up fast, scaring the hell out of Yunho.

The beanie slips over his eyes and Yunho can make out a couple words.

Changmin— is— the— greatest— but Jaejoong pulls the beanie off before he can finish, and his eyes focus on Yunho.

“What are you doing here?” His voice is more surprised than accusing, but Yunho feels like he’s seen something he shouldn’t.

He says, a bit guiltily, “Sorry. I came over early, wanted to say hi.”

Jaejoong snorts and gets up. “Okay, well, now that you’re here, we might as well do something.”

But before they leave, Jaejoong touches the beanie one last time, folds it, carefully, and puts it away in his drawer.

—Changmin talks over him. “If he misses me so much, why’s he always avoiding me? Why didn’t he try to say anything to me?”

“Would you honestly have believed him?” Yunho cuts in sharply. “Would you have forgiven him, taken him back, ignored the fact that he and I had a history?” A pause, and Yunho continues, voice calmer. “He saw that. He saw you were angry, and hurt, and he knew coming back would only have made things worse. Jaejoong wanted you to move on with your life. He did what he thought was best.”

“He loved you enough to let you go,” Yunho says, quietly. “Do you love him enough to take him back?”

Changmin feels dizzy. “Why are you telling me this?” he whispers.

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” Yunho muses. “I told you. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but I was selfish. I wanted to see Jaejoong again, and I wrecked the life he had built up. This is my way of making amends.”

Changmin straightens, feels a surge of spite and is thankful for it. “Do you expect me to forgive you?” he says scornfully.

Yunho smiles, an odd half-smile. “I had hoped, maybe, that you would forgive him.”

And it’s gone. “I don’t know—” Changmin’s interrupted by a cough, loses his train of thought. “I can’t just—” Another cough.

Yunho coughs a third time, and Changmin finally gives up trying to think and frowns at Yunho. “Hey, are you okay?” Stupid question, really, considering why they’re there in the first place.

One second Changmin’s sitting on a chair, wondering what he’s going to do about his love life, and the next second he’s running towards the door, screaming for help because Yunho’s collapsed and he’s not fucking breathing.

A nurse rushes in and he crouches over Yunho, thinking oh fuck what did I do he was already delicate and I’ve just aggravated his condition, oh my god I’ve killed him. All he can focus on is Yunho’s face.

A hand reaches out, tremulously, and Changmin grabs it frantically. “Please, Yunho, you can’t just fucking die, think about Jaejoong, please, he’d want to see you one last time,” he babbles. He’s not even sure what he’s saying but knows he has to keep talking and keep Yunho conscious.

“Changmin,” a long sigh, a drawn out breath. “Take care of him.”

He nods helplessly, still clutching his hand, “I promise, ohgod please Yunho you can’t die on me like this—” Changmin’s almost frantic with terror, but the nurse pushes him outside. Good thing she did, or else he probably would’ve started shaking Yunho.

He hates feeling so helpless.

They’ve closed the curtains in the room, but Changmin can’t shake the fear that it doesn’t matter what the doctors and nurses do. He’s not sure Yunho even cares if he lives or dies anymore. There had been a peacefulness in his manner even as he struggled for air, a quiet acceptance of what was going to happen.

He calls Jaejoong, but only because he doesn't want to pace in the hallways until the doctors come out and talk to him, and, well, Jaejoong deserves to know what's happening.

The voice on the telephone is bright and chipper, a complete contrast to what Changmin just witnessed. “Yunho, is that you? Do you need me to pick you up?”

“No,” Changmin says softly. “It’s Changmin.”

“Changmin!” Jaejoong sounds startled, and he should be. Changmin would never have considered calling Jaejoong if the situation hadn’t been so serious.

“Yes, it's me,” he says. “I was talking with Yunho at the hospital and he collapsed. I think you should come down here.”

He hears the quick intake of breath, the flustered yes, I’ll be there as soon as I can, and at the last moment, the grateful thank you.

After he hangs up he sinks to the floor. Yunho has done all he can, and now Changmin has to decide what he’s going to do.