Today’s just another ordinary day, like any other day, and Jaejoong lies in bed for a few minutes before he has to get up. He doesn’t want to; he’s tired and doesn’t want to spend the day singing and dancing and giving interviews, but what he wants doesn’t matter.

He eventually stumbles out of bed— it’s funny, he used to wake up early, used to enjoy it— and throws on whatever clean clothes he can find.

The other members are in the kitchen, already finished eating breakfast and going over their schedule in hushed voices. They look up when Jaejoong walks in.

“You’re finally awake.” Junsu’s the first one to speak, with a ready smile and cheerful voice. “We were just about to go wake you up. Our meeting with the stylists is in an hour.”

“Morning to you too, Junsu,” Jaejoong yawns. Another busy day ahead of them, but that’s not anything new.

The calendar hanging on the wall catches his eye. February 18.

“Oh,” Jaejoong says, absentmindedly. “Happy—”

And he stops, brain catching up with his mouth.

Happy? Happy what? Happy to see you, happy holidays, happy birthday?

The last would be the most logical one, but it’s none of their birthdays, he knows that. Junsu and Yunho’s birthdays have already passed, and Yoochun’s isn’t for four months.

He trails off, the lone word hanging awkwardly in the air.

Yunho quickly changes the subject, mentions what their new hairstyles are supposed to look like, the new show they're going to be on, and the tension gradually fades.

*

It’s not the first time something like that has happened, with Jaejoong saying or doing something stupid, something he didn’t mean. Once he cooked dinner for the four of them, and only after setting out the dishes did he realize they’d never be able to finish everything. No one was that hungry, either, and Jaejoong ended up throwing most of it away. Ever since his accident he’d been a little forgetful, more absentminded than usual.

*

Blink. Once, twice.

God, his eyelids feel so fucking heavy, he can hardly open them.

A man dressed in glaring white hovers above him.

“Can you hear me?”

He whimpers. His head hurts. His whole body hurts, a dull, persistent ache. He wants the man to leave and let him die in peace.

“Do you know who you are?”

It’s a good question.

“No,” he rasps out, all he can manage to say before darkness overwhelms him again.

*

The second time he wakes up, the pain has eased somewhat and he sees a different man next to his bed.

“Jaejoong?” he hears him whisper.

Jaejoong. That’s his name, of course it is. How could he have forgotten it?

“Where am I?” he mumbles, words slurred. His tongue feels heavy, too big for his mouth. He’s not used to talking.

“You’re in a hospital. You got into an accident and injured your head, but you’re going to be okay.”

Jaejoong tentatively raises his hand, wincing slightly from the effort, and touches his forehead. It’s wrapped in some gauze-like material, and painful to touch. He winces.

The other person is still watching him, and Jaejoong finally looks at him.

“Who are you?” he asks, too exhausted and disoriented to care if he sounds rude.

A careful, sad smile. “My name is Yunho.”

*

The doctor is matter-of-fact and practical and talks like Jaejoong’s not in the room, listening to every word.

“Most of his lost memories start from several years ago, up to the moment of his accident. As far as recovery goes, it’s highly unlikely that the events of any more recent events will ever fully return to him. With therapy, however, there’s a good chance that he’ll be able to remember the basics of his life.”

It’s not as hard as the doctor makes it out to be. Singing comes naturally to him, and his body is used to dancing. They’re second nature to him after years of being in the business.

What he has trouble remembering are people.

*

Jaejoong doesn’t remember the accident either, but the doctor says that's to be expected. He’s allowed to remove the wrap around his head, and there’s no sign of any injuries whatsoever, no gashes or scars or evidence that he was hurt at all. The only pain left comes from the sides of his head, his temples. They sting when he touches them, but when he inspects them in the mirror the only blemishes there are two slightly darkened circles, almost like burns.

*

Five months later, and everything goes back to normal. The doctor deems Jaejoong healthy enough to sing and perform again, he recognizes the other members and is, according to them, acting like his normal self again.

Work resumes as soon as Jaejoong is fit to leave the hospital. At the moment they’re in the middle of recording a single, started a year ago and put on hold because of his accident.

It’s a disaster, to say the least. Everything that can go wrong does, from equipment problems to the fact that Yunho, Yoochun, and Junsu don’t seem to know their lines.

He watches with displeasure as Yoochun forgets his line for the fourth time. He’s forever being reminded that the next line is his and that he has to keep going.

“Stop stopping,” they repeat, exasperated.

They’re allowed to listen to a rough copy of what the song will sound like when they finish, and Jaejoong winces when he hears it. He privately wonders how popular they are; there’s something off about the song, something missing.

Some parts, including the lines Yoochun kept forgetting, are more suited to a tenor, someone whose voice can reach high notes effortlessly, and for a second he can almost imagine what it should sound like.

Perfect.

*

Later that day, Jaejoong’s watching a drama on the television when a news report comes up about them. He hears one sentence— “The five gods of the east—” before Yunho grabs the remote and turns it off.

“Five?” Jaejoong asks, curiously. “Who's the fifth member?”

There’s a long silence as Yunho glances at Yoochun, who’s got a funny expression on his face. “There was a fifth person when we first started,” Yunho begins, slowly. “But he was allowed to leave two years into his contract. By that time, the media had already dubbed us the five gods.” His voice grows stronger and more confident as he continues talking. “We decided to just make the fifth member represent the fans. After all, they’ve shown us their support and dedication throughout the years, and without them we wouldn’t be who we are today.”

“That’s a sweet gesture,” Jaejoong says pensively. “A bit cheesy, but thoughtful.”

“It’s stupid,” Yoochun says sharply, speaking for the first time. “Fans aren’t gods, they’re just admirers and they’re not—”

“Yoochun,” Yunho says, and there’s a warning in this voice. “Don’t.”

“You shouldn’t have done it,” Yoochun says bitterly, and he jumps up from the sofa and runs to his room. The door slams a second later.

Jaejoong wonders what he’s talking about. He shouldn’t have made the fans the fifth member? He shouldn’t have let their fifth member go in the first place?

He shouldn’t have told Jaejoong?

*

Yoochun is different from the Yoochun Jaejoong remembers. He’s ruder, more emotional, and has mood swings on a constant basis. His personality has turned completely upside down.

What’s strangest of all is that Jaejoong thinks he might dislike Yoochun. Not for any of the reasons above— the feeling started before he noticed how much Yoochun had changed. When it did and why, he doesn’t know. Yoochun is his soulmate, they’re practically twins. They share a room. They share clothes; they share secrets. Hell, they should be best friends.

He decides against asking Yoochun about it (it’d be rude to come out and say, “Hey. Do I hate you?”) and waits for a chance to question Yunho and Junsu.

Opportunity comes soon enough; Yoochun goes out one day to relax, drive around a little, and Jaejoong finds himself alone with the other two.

Without wasting time, he asks abruptly, “Yunho, is there something between me and Yoochun?”

Yunho almost chokes on his rice, and Jaejoong hastily amends the statement.

“Sheesh. Not like we’re in a relationship, moron.” He hesitates. “I mean, am I mad at him?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Junsu puts in. “I’m mad at Yoochun all the time.”

“It’s more than that.” Jaejoong feels frustrated. It’s another thing he doesn’t remember, another instinct that he doesn’t know the reason for.

“Don’t worry about it,” Junsu repeats. “You still love him, right? He’s still your friend, isn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Jaejoong sighs. “But—”

I think I’m jealous of him.

*

Even though he’s identified it, he still doesn’t know why. He still doesn’t want to confront Yoochun, and instead decides to search their room for any evidence that could explain it, anything out of the ordinary.

The only thing he finds is a photograph, and in itself it’s a perfectly innocent thing to have around. What’s odd is that he found it in Yoochun’s dresser, buried under piles of clothing.

There are two people in the picture, Yoochun being hugged by some other person and dressed in an atrocious black and pink hoodie, but with a wide and unforced smile. He looks happy— happier than Jaejoong’s ever seen him before.

Jaejoong feels a surge of resentment at he looks at Yoochun’s bright face. The picture doesn’t tell him anything at all; he doesn’t know why he’s so bitter towards Yoochun, doesn’t know why there’s a dull pain in his chest when he sees how the two are hugging, affectionate and loving.

It’s not like he recognizes the other boy (dark hair and mismatched eyes, with a smile that tugs at his heart) at all.

*

That night he dreams in nightmares.

It is only when he sleeps that he recalls the accident he was in, but in his dreams he is a bystander.

A squeal of tires, the sound of glass breaking, screams.

Jaejoong is the one screaming.

He also dreams of being restrained by someone he can’t see, crying for something he knows he can’t have. His dream-self knows that whoever is stopping him is trying to save his life, but he doesn’t want to be saved. And then there’s a sharp, consuming pain, a spark of energy that sweeps across his body, erasing the longing in his heart. One agony switched for another.

“No,” he screams, over and over again, until his shrill chant becomes the alarm and he wakes up.

The dream slips away.

Today’s just another day.





Some clarification, in case you’re confused 8D
This is what basically happened: Jaejoong was in love with Changmin, but then found out that Changmin and Yoochun already had a secret relationship. He wanted to confess his feelings to Changmin, but then Changmin got into a car accident and died. After that Jaejoong went into a severe depression; he tried to kill himself several times, lost interest in performing and music, etc. Against his will he underwent electroshock therapy to treat his depression, erase his memories of Changmin, and forget about his death.