There's a calm finality in the way Yunho says it, and that, more than anything else, is what convinces Changmin: he’s telling the truth.

 

He is going to die.

 

How, Changmin thinks desperately, is it even possible to respond to something like that? He contemplates fainting, but despite the fact that he’s sick, exhausted, and an emotional wreck, it’s not just something he can do on command. It’s not as easy as all those dramas he used to watch make it look, even if he feels like he’s in one right now.

 

Yunho notices his discomfort and pulls up a couple chairs, gestures for him to sit down. “Sorry,” he says, with a tinge of embarrassment. “I probably shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that, huh?”

 

You think? Changmin wants to snap, but he can’t because Yunho’s really dying and this changes everything. Instead, he says, stumbling over his words, “When did you first— what is it—?”

 

“It’s called acute myeloid leukemia,” Yunho tells him. “Leukemia means it affects my bone marrow, myeloid describes what cells the leukemia starts in . . . and the acute, it means it’s fatal.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Changmin says numbly. He feels a bit sick (it is only now that he notices Yunho’s too skinny, too pale, too drained), but Yunho just shrugs.

 

“We don’t get to choose our fates,” he says, and leans forward a little, until they’re staring eye to eye. “But that shouldn't stop us from trying to change them if we can.” There’s a pause as Yunho lets the words sink in.

 

Changmin knows he’s talking about Jaejoong, and he’s sick of thinking about Jaejoong, of having Yunho tell him to basically ignore the fact that they broke up and go beg to be taken back, because that’s how it sounds.

 

Yunho doesn’t let him talk, though.

 

“I was dating Jaejoong when I was first diagnosed, a few years ago,” he says, almost dreamily, remembering. “When I found out I had leukemia, I was angry. I wanted to get away from everything. My parents and I moved away, to another town in another state, to get away from all the gossip and prying questions, and I left Jaejoong. I spent a year being treated, and for five years I was in remission. But one thing I learned from my doctors was that a complete remission is highly unlikely. It came back, and they told me there was nothing they could do. As my time grew shorter, I wanted to spend it with the people I loved, and so I came back to find Jaejoong. And when I found him, it was like we’d never been apart. But as we spent more time together, he changed. He was constantly distracted and worried, all because of you.”

 

“Why are you telling me this?” Changmin interrupts, and if his voice is a bit shaky and he’s tearing up slightly he has every right to. He can just picture it. Jaejoong, always pining after his old lover; Changmin saw it himself, didn’t he? Yunho, nobly distancing himself so Jaejoong would not have to suffer . . . and then a reunion, after being parted for so long. It’s got all the makings of a perfect drama, except for one slight glitch. Himself.

 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Yunho asks, a bit incredulous, a bit exasperated. “Look. He misses you.”

 

“The only thing he feels for me is guilt,” Changmin murmurs. Maybe he’s the one who should feel guilty, for ruining Jaejoong’s last moments with his dying lover.

 

“No,” Yunho says softly. “No, it’s not.”

— Yunho arrives at Jaejoong’s apartment earlier than he’s expected, but the door’s slightly open. He walks in as quietly as he can, since Jaejoong’s been known to throw a fit if interrupted during his ‘private time.’ Faint music is coming from his room; Yunho heads in that direction and peers inside.

There, at the foot of the bed, is Jaejoong. He’s curled up in a ball; half his face is covered by a striped beanie. Yunho tiptoes over, winces because it looks like Jaejoong’s been crying. There are words on the beanie, written in a messy black scrawl. He backs away before Jaejoong can wake up and see him there, and of course he knocks something over. Then Jaejoong sits up fast, scaring the hell out of Yunho.

The beanie slips over his eyes and Yunho can make out a couple words.

Changmin— is— the— greatest— but Jaejoong pulls the beanie off before he can finish, and his eyes focus on Yunho.

“What are you doing here?” His voice is more surprised than accusing, but Yunho feels like he’s seen something he shouldn’t.

He says, a bit guiltily, “Sorry. I came over early, wanted to say hi.”

Jaejoong snorts and gets up. “Okay, well, now that you’re here, we might as well do something.”

But before they leave, Jaejoong touches the beanie one last time, folds it, carefully, and puts it away in his drawer.

 

—Changmin talks over him. “If he misses me so much, why’s he always avoiding me? Why didn’t he try to say anything to me?”

 

“Would you honestly have believed him?” Yunho cuts in sharply. “Would you have forgiven him, taken him back, ignored the fact that he and I had a history?” A pause, and Yunho continues, voice calmer. “He saw that. He saw you were angry, and hurt, and he knew coming back would only have made things worse. Jaejoong wanted you to move on with your life. He did what he thought was best.”

 

“He loved you enough to let you go,” Yunho says, quietly. “Do you love him enough to take him back?”

 

Changmin feels dizzy. “Why are you telling me this?” he whispers.

 

“It’s my fault, isn’t it?” Yunho muses. “I told you. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, but I was selfish. I wanted to see Jaejoong again, and I wrecked the life he had built up. This is my way of making amends.”

 

Changmin straightens, feels a surge of spite and is thankful for it. “Do you expect me to forgive you?” he says scornfully.

 

Yunho smiles, an odd half-smile. “I had hoped, maybe, that you would forgive him.”

 

And it’s gone. “I don’t know—” Changmin’s interrupted by a cough, loses his train of thought. “I can’t just—” Another cough.

 

Yunho coughs a third time, and Changmin finally gives up trying to think and frowns at Yunho. “Hey, are you okay?” Stupid question, really, considering why they’re there in the first place.

 *

One second Changmin’s sitting on a chair, wondering what he’s going to do about his love life, and the next second he’s running towards the door, screaming for help because Yunho’s collapsed and he’s not fucking breathing.

 

A nurse rushes in and he crouches over Yunho, thinking oh fuck what did I do he was already delicate and I’ve just aggravated his condition, oh my god I’ve killed him. All he can focus on is Yunho’s face.

 

A hand reaches out, tremulously, and Changmin grabs it frantically. “Please, Yunho, you can’t just fucking die, think about Jaejoong, please, he’d want to see you one last time,” he babbles. He’s not even sure what he’s saying but knows he has to keep talking and keep Yunho conscious.

 

“Changmin,” a long sigh, a drawn out breath. “Take care of him.”

 

He nods helplessly, still clutching his hand, “I promise, ohgod please Yunho you can’t die on me like this—” Changmin’s almost frantic with terror, but the nurse pushes him outside. Good thing she did, or else he probably would’ve started shaking Yunho.

 

He hates feeling so helpless.

 

They’ve closed the curtains in the room, but Changmin can’t shake the fear that it doesn’t matter what the doctors and nurses do. He’s not sure Yunho even cares if he lives or dies anymore. There had been a peacefulness in his manner even as he struggled for air, a quiet acceptance of what was going to happen.

*

He calls Jaejoong, but only because he doesn't want to pace in the hallways until the doctors come out and talk to him, and, well, Jaejoong deserves to know what's happening.

The voice on the telephone is bright and chipper, a complete contrast to what Changmin just witnessed. “Yunho, is that you? Do you need me to pick you up?”

 

“No,” Changmin says softly. “It’s Changmin.”

 

“Changmin!” Jaejoong sounds startled, and he should be. Changmin would never have considered calling Jaejoong if the situation hadn’t been so serious.

 

“Yes, it's me,” he says. “I was talking with Yunho at the hospital and he collapsed. I think you should come down here.”

He hears the quick intake of breath, the flustered yes, I’ll be there as soon as I can, and at the last moment, the grateful thank you.

 

After he hangs up he sinks to the floor. Yunho has done all he can, and now Changmin has to decide what he’s going to do.