The thing is, Changmin’s never had sex before.

 

He’d been saving himself for someone special, someone worth it, and as old-fashioned as that sounded, he’d stuck to it. It had broken up a couple of his relationships, with people who equated sex with love. Changmin didn’t want to date anyone who thought like that.

 

It’s not even like this is the first time he’s been drunk and suffered a lack of self control and inhibition. The reason Junsu figured out he was gay? It wasn’t because Changmin had confessed it to Junsu in a drunken stupor, it was because he’d kissed Junsu, one sloppy kiss on the mouth while in a drunken stupor. He hadn't meant to (and even regretted it, after) but Junsu was right there and he was his friend. Nothing had come out of it— they both knew they were better friends than lovers— but Junsu felt responsible for making sure Changmin found someone and thus started the blind dates.

 

Like Jaejoong. Even while he was dating Jaejoong they hadn’t gotten any further than making out, an occasional hand-job here and there. He hadn’t wanted to go all the way until he was ready, until he was sure he'd met ‘the one.’

 

Until now.

*

There are no words to describe the pain Changmin’s in when he wakes up. Excruciating, agonizing, overwhelming— they don’t quite cover what’s he’s feeling. For one thing, he’s got a pounding headache from all the alcohol he consumed. His arm and leg and shoulder muscles ache from lugging Jaejoong home.

 

Not to mention his lower back is killing him.

 

But as much physical pain as he’s in, it’s nothing, nothing compared to how sick he feels when he realizes what he’s done. Waking up and finding out he’s naked, with Jaejoong sleeping next to him.

 

It’s enough to make him want to die.

 

Oh god— what did I just do— He scrambles out of the bed, ignores the pain, and hurriedly shoves his clothes on. He can’t stay here— fuck where’s my shirt— he has to get out of there before Jaejoong wakes up—

 

“Changmin!”

 

He hates his life. He really does.

 

He turns, as slowly as possible, trying to delay the moment of confrontation, but he can only turn so slowly before he feels, and probably looks, stupid.

 

Jaejoong’s sitting up on the bed, looking shocked and sober. He doesn’t remember, Changmin realizes, and his heart twists. He should be relieved, but he feels even more hurt.

 

“Changmin,” Jaejoong repeats, confusion etched all over his face. “What—” He extends his hand, reaching for Changmin's arm, but Changmin recoils and jerks it away.

 

“Don’t touch me,” Changmin spits, holding his jacket like a shield. There’s malice in his voice when he asks, “How’s Yunho?”

 

Jaejoong draws back, slightly, and there’s a flash of guilt in his eyes.

 

“That’s what I thought,” he says softly. “Can’t let your boyfriend learn you fucked your ex.”

 

Changmin gets out of there as fast as he can, wincing with every step. He can’t help the tears that spring into his eyes as he runs, the muffled, animalistic sobs that emit from his body.

 

He must look disgusting.

*

“Where were you?” Junsu exclaims as soon as he steps inside. So much for coming in unnoticed. “We woke up and you weren’t here, your cell’s off, we’ve been worrying—” He stops, abruptly, upon seeing Changmin’s face.

 

Yoochun walks in as well, eyes widening as he takes in Changmin’s disheveled clothes and puffy eyes. “What happened?” he asks sharply.

 

Changmin’s mouth curves into a tight, twisted smile. “I fucked up,” he says. “What else is new?”

 

He backs away before they can say anything else, heading for his room and some privacy. Junsu tries to go after him, but Yoochun holds him back. “Don’t,” he says quietly, hugging Junsu. “Not yet. Let him be alone for a bit.”

*

‘A bit’ is approximately three and a half hours. It’s enough time for Changmin to shower, scrub his clothes until his fingers are red and raw, and contemplate how screwed he is. He’s curled up in bed when Junsu comes in and sits down next to him.

 

“Min,” Junsu says softly, petting his hair, and Changmin can feel a lump form in his throat. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

 

“I had sex with him,” he whispers. He can’t stop shaking when he thinks about it, and it sounds so horribly official and final when he says it out loud.

 

“Oh.” The hand on his head stills.

 

“It was an accident,” Changmin blurts out, hating the way Junsu looks so disappointed. Hating himself. He sits up, buries his face in his knees. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Junsu.”

 

“It’s okay,” Junsu says, and he sounds so confident, so reassuring. “Everything will be all right.”  He puts his arm around Changmin, and Changmin lets him. It feels nice.

 

“Life sucks,” Changmin mumbles, but he feels a little better.

*

He’s not even allowed to wallow in self-pity. The next day, Yoochun and Junsu wake him up by running in (doors bang and his name is shouted over and over again) and yanking his blankets off.

 

Changmin shrieks, a girlish and undignified screech, and he scrambles to cover himself up. “You assholes,” he shouts, throwing his pillow at them.

 

“It was this or a bucket of water,” Yoochun shrugs. “That was Junsu’s idea.”

 

“Ice water,” Junsu supplies helpfully.

 

He can only manage a half-hearted glare as he glances at the clock. “God, it’s only 7:30. What do you want?”

 

“We’re going out,” Yoochun says grandly.

 

“Well,” Changmin blinks. “That’s nice. Have a good time.”

 

“You’re coming too.”

 

“What?” The last thing Changmin wants to do is leave the apartment. “My neck is sore,” he tries.

 

“You used that excuse last week,” Junsu reminds him. “Be ready in 10 minutes.”

 

Changmin grimaces. “I have a headache!”

 

Yoochun smiles at him. “Three days ago. Now go get ready, unless you want us to dress you?”

*

They eventually lure him out with promises of going to the amusement park Changmin’s been dying to visit and a free dinner afterwards.

 

He has more fun than he’ll admit, despite the overpriced food. The rides are fun and Yoochun and Junsu are more than enough of a distraction for what happened the day before.

 

The sky is turning a darker orange and pink color when Changmin first gets the feeling that he’s being watched. He looks around and doesn’t see anyone, about to dismiss it as paranoia when he spots Jaejoong. With Yunho.

 

It’s the first time he’s ever seen them in public, together, and he stops in his tracks, heart thumping wildly.

 

Junsu and Yoochun look up at the exact same moment that Jaejoong and Yunho notice the three of them, and everyone freezes.

 

Changmin throws a panicked look at Junsu, Junsu’s face hardens and his grip tightens on Yoochun, Yoochun looks steadily at Yunho, Yunho exchanges a worried look with Jaejoong and Jaejoong looks at the ground.

 

“You—“ Junsu starts, and he looks so pissed off that Changmin’s almost afraid of what he might do. He and Yoochun grab his arm before he can do anything stupid.

 

Changmin’s throat is so dry he can barely speak, but he swallows hard and tugs Junsu’s sleeve. “Junsu,” he manages, “Please. Let’s just go.”

 

He almost thinks Junsu’s not going to listen him, that he’s going to start yelling and get into a fight and make everything even worse, but then Junsu sighs, shakes them off, and scowls at Jaejoong.

 

Coward, he mouths, before Yoochun pulls him away and they leave.

*

The day’s pretty much ruined after that. Changmin doesn’t even feel like eating; to be honest, he feels like he’s caught a cold or something. He dismisses Junsu’s worrying, saying he’s sure he just got it from someone at the amusement park. They’re notorious for spreading illnesses, anyway.

 

It only gets worse the next day. He can’t stop sniffling and coughing, and even Yoochun’s starting to look at him with some concern.

 

“You’ve been coughing and sneezing all night,” Junsu says grouchily. “That’s it. You’re seeing a doctor.”

 

“I’ll get better naturally!” Changmin protests, but his words fall on deaf ears.

 

“We’re taking you even if we have to force you into the car,” Junsu calls from the next room. “You keep this up, we’ll all get sick.”

 

Changmin scowls and turns to Yoochun hopefully. “Really, Yoochun, I’m not that sick,” he says. Yoochun almost looks convinced, until Changmin starts coughing so hard he can’t say anything else.

 

“Yeah,” Yoochun sighs. “Come on.”

*

The doctor proclaims Changmin to be perfectly healthy, or at least healthy enough so that he can’t do anything to make him better.

 

“I told you so,” Changmin tells Junsu as they leave.

 

“Better safe than sorry,” Junsu says, nonchalantly. Ever the optimist.

 

They’re halfway out of the parking lot when Changmin remembers he’s forgotten his cell phone in the doctor’s waiting room.

 

“Oh, crap,” he groans. “Junsu, I left my phone there.”

 

They drop him off in front of the building and Changmin runs (he’s sick, he shouldn’t be the one running!) towards the doctor’s office.

 

It’s not there.

 

“Damn. Damn. You stupid phone, where are you?” he mutters to himself, poking around the equipment lying on the table.

 

“Lose something?” A voice comes from behind, and Changmin spins around.

 

And standing in the doorway, with Changmin’s cell in his hands, is Yunho.

 

“What the hell,” Changmin bites, snatching the phone from his hand. He’s angrier than he should be because Yunho startled him. Caught him off guard. “Are you stalking me, or something?” he says, irritated. “Why do I keep fucking seeing you everywhere?”

 

A shrug. “What makes you think I’m doing it?” Yunho’s eyes are dark and unreadable. “Maybe someone is trying to tell you something.”

 

“Like what?” Changmin retorts. Yunho’s in his way and he just wants to leave.

 

Yunho leans in before Changmin can react. “Maybe that Jaejoong loves you." His voice is quiet, but the words echo loudly in Changmin's ears.

"Stop. " Changmin pushes him away. "Stop with all the fucking lies. I'm sick of them. He loves me, he loves you. If he 'loves' me, why is he avoiding me? Why's he with you?" His voice gets louder and louder until something in him snaps. "Enough with all the secrecy," he hisses.

Yunho looks at him, really looks at him, and it takes all of Changmin’s willpower to keep eye contact.

"I’m dying,” Yunho says, and something clicks.